Tag Archive | goals

Year of change

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Nothing of him that doth fade, But doth suffer a sea-change, into something rich and strange…Shakespeare, The Tempest

Two weeks ago, one of my dance sisters asked us on Facebook to share highlights from the past year. I shared that I celebrated 10 years with my boyfriend and that I walked away from toxic personal and professional situations.  In a year of change, I struggled with the latter the most.  It’s never easy to walk away from people or relationships, even those that hurt us. We hang onto to what’s familiar. Pero es necesario para seguir adelante.

Quien soy yo para decir que algo es dañino?  Welp, that’s it. I decide what or who is toxic to me. If I can no longer grow within a relationship, whatever kind it may be, it’s harmful. This is not to say a toxic situation cannot have positive aspects. I loved my last job; there were only a few toxic individuals that I could no longer tolerate. It is my right to say enough already. More importantly, it was time to test my confidence and leadership. Best decision of 2017! In my personal life, I made the decision to distance myself from a group with which I had worked for many years. I created beautiful memories and felt great joy during most of my time with them. But the cons greatly outweighed the pros this past year. So I made the decision to walk away.

The second half of last year was tough due to adjusting to all the changes. I experienced grief over the loss of familiar faces and experiences. Yo tuve que hacerlo por mi. I have to live with myself. I have to get up every morning and feel good about who I am. I choose to do the things that are going to help me grow and make me feel good about myself.

Though I took a break from writing, I have been doing what feeds my soul. I have continued to dance. My samba teacher is nurturing and loving. She was exactly who I needed at this time. It is so important to be seen, heard, and encouraged.  I needed that one-on-one support, not only in dance technique and style, but as a woman.

I have exercised every day during the winter break. I admit I can be an emotional eater and also that I can lose motivation when anxious or sad; this time of transition tested me and won.  Pero se acabo.  I will get back on track with my physical fitness; I will do the work. But I don’t want it to happen because #carnavalsooncome. I want to stay fit because it will be best for my overall health.

I ended the year with the friends who have been in my life for decades who know, love, accept and embrace me. Al fin y al cabo, I alone choose who and what will help me grow. Sea changes help me see changes.

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Seeking a cure

Te das cuenta how quickly you can go from positive to negative? It happens in a matter of hours. Zas! For example, two weeks ago, I had a great weekend in terms of fitness. I went to outdoor boot camp with my gym, back to Zumba at 24 Hour Fitness, and then Sunday #sambachurch.  I got huge doses of natural endorphins while being around fun people. Then I braced myself to face yet another nightmarish Monday morning.   How did I go from positive energy back to the grind of negativity?  Maybe I’m afraid of the natural highs. They feel too good to be true. The negativity is predictable.

So last Monday morning, instead of jumping onto social media or checking emails, I held my daughter. M said, “You haven’t cuddled me in a long time.” This is not necessarily true; we’re big on affection. But her standards are clearly higher than mine. After I hit the snooze button, I went over and held and cuddled her. Porque darme por vencida? Nope, I decided to do things differently.

Why am I comfortable with the negative? Why do I gravitate towards the routine, mundane, the Mondays? I want Mondays to be good from the beginning. Monday evening has a positive connotation;  I attend boot camp and M goes to dance class with her team.  But Monday mornings is everyone’s least favorite time of the week. It’s unfortunate because we are kicking off the work week.

At samba class, our teacher asked that we shake off the previous week. I really shook it off, from my hands, off my ears, from my mouth (where it really needs to be gone). Then my teacher asked us to carry that into our work week. This is common practice for SambaFunk; we always look to be positive.  Samba Sundays have become the true beginning of the week.

I changed one Monday morning. What if I consistently make an effort to start Mondays differently?  What would my week and my day look like? I’m done accepting my case of the Mondays.  I’m hopeful for a complete cure.

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Office Space is a classic 

Storm

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This #transformationtuesday was one of setbacks.  As I commuted through a rainstorm, I felt hopeless and helpless.  At work, I was in charge for the day while managing ongoing crises and beginning the annual round of state testing.  After having been horribly shrill with M for the second morning in a row, I cried as I drove through traffic over the East Bay hills.

Those moments of feeling completely overwhelmed make me question my plans and goals. I don’t know if I should pursue them. I don’t know if I’m ready for a bigger leadership role. I want to feel like I’m making a difference for the community I serve. But there are other goals that are closer to my heart. I want to write.   I want to be a good mom. I’m in the middle of the storm. I’m trying to seek the eye and maintain hope. It’s hard for me to believe I can move forward calmly, peacefully, and successfully; I don’t know that I have the strength.

I accept that I will experience these trying moments.  Like the day when I pictured myself sitting in the desert with the sun bearing down on me, I feel the rain pouring down on me. It makes me feel cold and unsure.  Entiendo que son cosas de la vida; knowing that doesn’t make those times any easier.