“He’s a God you can’t hurry,
You don’t have to worry;
He may not come when you want Him
But he’s right on time, right on time. “Traditional Gospel hymn
I have refused to give up on this Advent. (Last year’s Advent of struggle ) As expected, I have been put to the test during this season. On one hand, I have a wounded dragon heaving its last toxic breaths.
On the other, there is the prospect of yet another round of hoping for a leopard to willingly change his spots.
(Truth be told, I’m not waiting at all but I’m loyal to a fault and I will do as directed, even if I get a little Ben Linus on occasion.)
I had a moment yesterday when I wavered, when all my anger, frustration, and indignation threatened to cloud my mind and fill my eyes with tears. But I remembered to breathe, pray, and hold tight to my commitment to this Advent. I moved forward in more ways than one. Yesterday, I made a choice.
I’ve already owned my penchant for pettiness. Shoot, I even have the casual Fridays t-shirts to prove it. My pettiness is amusing at times, other times worthy of criticism. But it hasn’t held me back in the way my lack of self-confidence does. Oh sure I’ll dance on stage or on the streets with little practice. I’ll take the mic and put together a speech on the fly. But my career has been stifled by my inability to see myself as a leader. I have worked for twice as long as several peers who are at the helm their own ships. Yesterday, through the darkness of my emotions, I found the strength to own that my time has arrived. It is my time to lead, guide, and shepherd. I have vision, purpose, and integrity; now I am emboldened by the courage to stand alone.
At the end of a stressful workday or any day for that matter, I have to answer to myself, my family, and my God. How have I been the best version of myself today? How am I going to be the best version of myself tomorrow? Soon, I will live out the answers to these questions in the spotlight. My mistakes will be my own. My decisions will be my own. I will struggle and fail but I will learn. That in turn will help me grow in the woman I was born to be.
While I may be tempted to take Hot Sauce out my bag and mess up a window or two, I can’t let others’ tomfoolery make me resort to my worst self. I am finally going to fix myself some long overdue lemonade.
These hands will have to stick to prayer and to getting my paperwork together for my next job. God will continue to give me the strength and patience.