What follows are the remaining edited audio transcriptions from this fall. I haven’t touched my tape recorder in months but with all the positive changes I have experienced, I decided it was time to clean. The power of these subconscious worries and fears on my life is all but gone.
Undated, possibly late September or early October
(clearing of throat)
I just woke up from a nightmare. I haven’t had one in a while. I haven’t been recording my dreams. It bothers me to wake up worried. I could give the rationale that I’m finishing up my period, have a cold, didn’t eat much for dinner. I’m trying to do some distress tolerance.
I dreamt about Soldier. Someone else was pregnant. We were reunited but just as friends. There were decisions to be made about the pregnant girl even though he said he didn’t care. I found a box of his stuff: some drawings, strange writing. It was all graphic and disturbing. It was about sex with a woman he was treating as a whore. I also found two cards, sort of like prayer cards. One listed positive and negative qualities. The negative ones weren’t so bad. They described him: ambitious, driven. For some reason, it was scary. The prayer card was blasphemous. It was the opposite of the Creed,celebrating the suffering of Jesus, not because it led to forgiveness of sins or the love He showed us, but because He died. It chilled me to the bone.
Then Soldier arrived with a kind of pastry or dessert which I put in the fridge. I was tempted to take a brick to his windshield. He knew what I was going to do. He said,”I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” We got in the car. I was terrified of him. So I woke up.
I don’t know why I am dreaming this way. He and I are getting along ok, as far as I can tell. I don’t know if I should blog about it.
I miss him a lot. I don’t know if it’s because he made contact or if it’s because of all the reasons I’ve previously stated.
We were on family vacation. My brother and I were young again, college age. We were in a room with three singles. He was playing video games. I was tired from cleaning. He said my mom was coming. She said things were horrible. Then she flew into a borderline rage and attacked me. My brother pulled her off. I tried to stay calm and see if she was ok. She came at me again, trying to strangle me.
It’s really cold in my house.
Just woke up to a Bobby Capo song. Soldier was in my dream. He came to visit me. He reached out and touched my stomach. I woke up because it made me jump.