A few months ago, I wrote about “The Anguish,” the last mixtape made by the DJ’s best friend Angel before he died of AIDS many years ago. In that blog, I discussed how close I felt to this long-dead stranger, how I sometimes felt the pain he captured in house songs made so much sense to me. I do not fear the dead or death. But anyone who knows and loves me knows I fear abandonment. I have to say my dead have not abandoned me. Maybe that is why today I am still. Perhaps not calm but the turbulent waters of my thoughts and moods have subsided.
I don’t want Play Brother to die. I hope he fights to the end. I hope a miracle occurs and the cancer stops growing. It can happen. But I also know I have to steel myself, that he needs my strength, the strength so many of my loved ones cherish. I am a woman of faith and hope. I need to remember who I am, now more than ever. If it is time for Play Brother to leave this world, then I need to stand by him.
One of the qualities I have been commended on at work is my sense of calm. I have been lauded for being grace under pressure, for being a source of stability, for my serenity. I lost sight of that for a while. I lost sight of a lot of things. But tragedy opens my eyes.
My eyes are open to the blessings I have. I have everything I need to be happy and love my life. I am truly blessed.