Balm

for those who need healing

I am bitter.
There. I’ve said it. I’ve emerged from the bunker known as my singledom(aka loneliness) and decided to confess. I don’t know if I believe in love anymore or believe that I have the capacity to fall in love. I know I get wistful often and wonder if there is anyone in the world for me. On the other hand, my bitterness has calcified and become an exoskeleton, one that makes me impenetrable. At least at art galleries and nightclubs. In any case, I am a mixture of hope and resentment. Bad breakups can do that to you.

I don’t think of He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named-Lest-I-Retch very often. Memories of him come to me at odd times. I might search my mind for a saying or an image and later realize it was connected to him. Or I might see someone who reminds me of him. Or I may hear of someone else’s heartache and suddenly feel my own as if years haven’t elapsed.

When I think of him, I do get angry still. After all, his betrayal was not one of a lover but of a friend. We had long been separated romantically when he chose to be my enemy. I have been at war against the notion of love since then, if only halfheartedly.

Last Sunday, I went to evening Mass. I found it soothing. Then Father Wayne began his homily. He spoke of toughness. He spoke of love. His words were the smack upside the head God so loves to give me now and then, when He realizes I’m ignoring Him. I felt tears well up in my eyes. I looked down into the large brown eyes of the six-year-old boy in front of me and wondered if maybe Father didn’t have a point, that love is worth its high price. I don’t know why I hold fast to this belief. Despite my remaining anger and lingering scars, I know, in the core of my being, that love is worth the pain.
**********************************************************************************
The following prayer is from Dear Saint Anne, Send me a Man(And other time-honored prayers for love):

Helena, help me attain some portion
of your calm acceptance,
your steadfast faith
in the face of betrayal and paoin,
Guide me through this rugged emotional terrain,
Allow me to emerge with my soul
and my ability to love intact.

St.Helena, the mother of Constantine, is revered for her patience and faith. She was abandoned by Constantius and raised her son to be the first Christian Emperor. She is also known for finding relics of the Holy Cross.

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